My Silent Lucidity

Welcome to divorce court.

2010-03-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

At approximately 7pm on March 10, 2010 I was officially served divorce papers from my husband. I was expecting it, but it didn't remove the sting of pain when receiving them. I put the papers in my closet and after writing this I will not dwell on them for 2 weeks, I have 30 days to respond.....

Or not.

And that's what the 2 weeks is for, to pray about my response.

In reality, I don't have the money for a lawyer. I know I can also respond without a lawyer, tell the court my situation and pray the judge is fair. I could remain silent and not respond at all and just let the judge order what he may, there's a chance he will do whatever he pleases anyways, so should I even care? I don't want to care any more, it hurts too much to care.

Either way I end up divorced with the courts ordering me to pay support, when I already do by having here every other week. So really? What's the sense?

I know that I don't want to fight any more. So what's my option?

Oh and I also have another lawsuit pending for a Capital One credit card that was incurred during the marriage for 5k. They served me a week ago. And they are only the begining. YAY ME!!!

Until next time,

Manic Mom

WHOA.....

2010-01-02T09:06:00.001-08:00

I was pouring my 3rd cup of morning coffee, when a thought came strongly to my mind.

My lease is up February 27th, 2010.

I want to reconcile with my husband.

There are no papers in the courts to even START the divorce.

My daughter is there and needs her mother.

My name is on the house.

My dogs are there.

Anyone know where I'm going with this?????????????????????????????

Yup, yup, yup.

*nods*

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

I will be praying about this heavily for the next two months, and I am asking that you too will pray for me, for clarity and confirmations, as there is much to consider. I would also like to make sure this is a God whisper and not a "want" because a very wise man once told me, "Tammy ya gotta ask yourself, do you NEED it, or do you WANT it?" I TRY to apply this to every major decision I make.

The best that happens is we reconcile, bringing glory to God.

The worst is HE leaves the home, without Ashley and files for divorce, because I believe if D wants this divorce so bad he should be the one who loses her daughter and has to leave the house. Legally, I have just as much right to be there as he does. We will probably lose the house because I can't afford $900 a month, but the way I see it is like this....

Either way it goes, I will no longer live in limbo.

Johnny will not be able to come home with me though, because well he is 19 and it just won't work with him there. His behavior, arrests had a lot to do with the stress, anxiety and discourse in our home. Its time HE shits or gets off the pot. I made some mistakes while raising him, but I KNOW I taught him better than what he is doing. I found a halfway house, ironically the name of it is Room in the Inn. www.roomintheinn.org.

It COULD work if that thought I had was God whispering in my ear, or I need to go back to Rolling Hills, because I'm just that crazzzzzzy.

Which is WHY I need intense prayer for EVERYONE, for the next 2 months including those that will be praying for and with me, that will be affected through this.

Please start a prayer chain on this if you feel moved to do so, and check back to this blog spot often for updates.

Until next time,

Manic mom

Reflections

2009-12-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

As 2009 comes to a close, many people take the time to reflect on the past year, and I am no exception. I, for one, can't wait to shut the door in 09's face and joyfully usher in 2010.

This year I would say without a doubt has been the WORST year of my entire life. Too many negatives have occurred this year for me to want to reflect on. So, with each negative event that has happened, I will also list a positive event. In the hopes of really exercising my noodle, I will even go for broke and list two.

I'm pretty sure the entire world already knows that my marriage of 16 years came to a screeching halt in 09. This has utterly devasted me emotionally and spiritually in so many ways. I lost so much more than my husband this year, I lost my best friend. I lost my future dreams, my sense of self, my family both immediate family and the in laws as well. Not to mention, I lost my sanity, briefly, as well. On a psoitive note, I discovered that I CAN take care of myself and live independent of a "man". That has been a huge self esteem boost.

My son was arrested and spent 4 months in jail in 09. This occurred simotaniously with my seperation. There were days if not weeks and months that my only prayer was, "God, PLEASE take me home, I can't stand to live a moment longer!" The positive in this? I learned to appreciate my children and the time I have with them. I saw a prayer answered first hand and that was that my son would not be harmed while in jail.

I have been in the nuthouse twice this year....yes, you read that right, twice. I was just released on the 28th of December from my second stint. The positive from these two stays are huge. The first one being I was diagnosed as Bipolar or manic-depression and that I am not just some mean, nasty, vile and hateful bitch on the PMS train 24-7, like my husband likes to think.

I am looking forward to leaving 2009 far far far in the past and embracing 2010 with an open mind, heart and spirit. I have my 2010 "resolutions" made already. I have some of the "standard" resolutions, like lose 45lbs before my birthday in June, to the not so standard of taking a cruise for Christmas next year. I have already quit smoking (10 days to date) so my resolution is to save that $40 a week I would have spent on cigs towards my cruise.

2009 was a shitty year, but I learned a lot about myself, like I am resiliant, strong, smart, independant and crazy as a loon!

Have a very happy New Year ya'll!

Until next time,

Manic Mom

My Angry Letter to D

2009-12-12T03:55:00.000-08:00

Dear D,

Why must you be such an unforgiving asshole? Really? Beyond my Bipolar issues, one that I have no control over, what did I ever do to you? Was it the fact that I raised our two children without any help from you? I mean you weren't the one who got up every morning and got them ready for school, I was. You weren't the one who got them ready for bed every night, I was. And NOW you step in when one is on his own and the other is 3 years shy of an adult, ya know, when all the HARD work is done!!! Was it the fact that I went without health insurance for 10 years while you and the kids were covered, because "it cost too much to insure me"? Was it the fact that *I* was the one who was responsible for arranging daycare for the kids, while I worked, then came home only to work some more? It wasn't until just these past three years that I began to ask you to pitch in and help by cooking dinner every other day, and then half the damn time you ordered out! You didn't do laundry until year 16 when I took a second job and I didn't have TIME to do it! You NEVER cleaned the house unless I ASKED and then when you did, you did a half ass job of it, because GOD FORBID you miss a rerun on TV or give up time playing your Wii. Seriously after 16 years together one would think you would know how I like it done, and then out of RESPECT for me, you would atleast ATTEMPT to do it that way. But nooooooooo, my way would require more than 5 minutes of your time now wouldn't it?

You know, our daughter sat in judgement of my parenting skills just recently. At first it pissed me off, then I got to thinking, she can't judge YOUR parenting skills because YOU NEVER did anything! One can't judge someone when they don't do shit, now can they?

You recently said, "nothing has changed" which tells me that you expect the change to come ENTIRELY from ME! Because obviously you can do no wrong and there is no need to change yourself. Tell me, why should I pour out all this effort when you are not willing to do the same?

You NOW partake in activities that I BEGGED you to do with ME for YEARS, what the fuck is up with THAT? You now have a MySpace, a FaceBook, you have gone out to the clubs, spent money on things that I use to BEG you to do, but we never had the money to do.....amazing! How is it that you can NOW do this after losing my income but none of the bills? Oh yeah, that's right because its something YOU want, just like YOU wanted the cars that put us into debt and YOU wanted the abortion that murdered our 2nd child. YOU wanted to become a police officer and you held back no physical nor monetary effort to try to gain it either! And now YOU want this divorce because *I* haven't "changed"

When will YOU change for me D? Or do you expect it to be all one sided?

I really fucking HATE you for being such a selfish, pompeous, greedy bastard!

I want to be more....

2009-11-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

More than just a peice of ass.

I suppose I set myself up for these things though and I have no one to blame except myself. So far, during my 4 months of singleness, I have slept with two men. Oh, I knew there was nothing there, for me anyways, and I slept with them anyways. And so the experience with both of them was less than enjoyable. I just don't see how some people can just sleep with anyone and everyone and not feel less than vaulable when its all said and done. Perhaps I'm unique in my views? Well not THAT unique.

I suppose I am aquating sex to love. Well, isn't that the way it should be? Two people coming together to express their love for one another? Maybe I've been delusional all along with THIS view?

I've noticed a pattern. I do well with these men for about a month and then I say something "bitchy" and poof they are gone. This last one was more me speaking bluntly about how he was making me feel. Every text session we had turned into how much he wanted to fuck me. So, I fucked him. Apparently my pussy is gold or so he said so. Then every session was about how good my pussy was. No, "you are beautiful" no, "I'd really like to get to know you better" or anything of the sort. I simply said to him, "seeing how my pussy is so attractive to men, perhaps I should start charging for it and make the feeling of being a whore complete". I got, "wow" as a response. I asked if I had offended him and he said, "it was a buzz killer". The experience with the first guy was pretty much the same, but I atleast got 2 pretty fun dates from that one. The 2nd guy didn't even take me out.

I was thinking about how I manage to chase off every man that seems interested (in a peice of ass anyways) in me. It then dawned on me......

I DO have standards, values and morals and every time I go against them, I feel less than human.

I want a man who is interested in ME. A man who wants to know what I am thinking about, wants to know how I feel and one who is interested in my mind, not just my body. I asked myself then, WHY do I allow myself to be put in positions like this?

I'm lonely. I want compainship and someone to share the journey of life with. The one I WANT to share it with, wants nothing to do with me and so I settle for less in order to fill the huge gaping hole of lonliness. Men I am sure can sense that and unfortunately many of them are more than happy to take advantage of it.

But I can't blame them entirely, its my own fault too. I KNOW I am nowhere near ready to venture into the dating game, but I do it anyways in hopes to fill the void that is there.

I think I'm gonna see if I can find a cat.

Until next time,

Manic Mom

2009-11-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

*ugggg*

The doctor switched my meds. I am now on Seraqol XR 300mg. I am TIRED. I DO NOT like feeling this way. I woke up this morning and felt like I had been on a 3 day drunk! I haven't had any episodes since they switched my meds, but its only been 2 days. They took me off the Prestiqu because apparently "true" Bipolar suffers will continue to have suicidal thoughts while on it. Guess, I'm "truely" Bipolar. *sigh*

Another thing, I am gaining weight. *grrrr* I don't know how much I have gained because I am scared to death to get on the scale. My clothes are fitting different, so I really don't need the scale.

Since I told D about the death of his ex, he seems to have, hmmm, how do I word it? He doesn't appear to be as "cold". Maybe something came "on" and he is realizing that life is short? *shrugs* who knows? And I won't be trying to guess either.

I have a half hour free consultation with a lawyer Monday. I have begun to compile a list of questions that are on my mind, so I can get all I can out of the consultation.

I have another "chaser". I won't call him a suitor because well apparently the dating scene has changed quite a bit in the past 16 years. This guy who is 29 years old is apparently thinking I am gonna have sex with him. The dude hasn't even bothered to ask me out to dinner.....just sex.

WTH?

*sighs*

I don't look forward to the dating scene, but hey, maybe I can get some humorous blogs out of it?

Until next time,

Manic Mom

Love NEVER fails.

2009-11-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday (11/10/09)was a pretty rough day for me.

It started off well enough and then just went to crap in no time. I decided that I was going to do the "right" thing, the Christ-like thing when it came to my husband and I's divorce. I knew that I would take some crap from friends and family for what I was going to do, BUT, I really felt led to do it despite what others were going to think or say. I texted my husband and told him he could have it ALL. All I wanted was joint custody with no support order, for him to take his name off of my car and that if he foreclosed on the home while my name was still on it, that I would not be held liable. He agreed very quickly with me and called his lawyer to draw up the papers. About an hour went by and I recieved a phone call from D. He told me that his lawyer said that a judge would not go for our parent plan and that we had to go with his original plan. I even went so far as to list the appropriate LAW in regards to neither of us paying support. It can be found under section 36-5-501 (b). Which states and I quote;

If there is a written agreement by both parties that provides for alternative arrangements. Such agreement must be reviewed by the court and entered in the record,

Now unless I am misunderstanding that law, shouldn't me and husband saying that we will continue to care for our daughter in the same means that we have for the past 15 years be sufficient enough for a judge to say, "Ok you seem like two reasonable adults and I accept your agreement"?

Well HIS lawyer is telling him a judge won't go for it.

And so of course an argument started and to make a long story short, my husband threatened to put our daughter on the stand in court to testify that she does not want anything to do with me.

THAT enraged me.

Seriously?

WTF is he thinking? Even IF my daughter feels this way, which is highly possible considering divorce negatively impacts a child and WHO KNOWS what she is feeling and thinking, WHY would he put our daughter slap in the middle of our divorce? I asked him if he is thinking of ANYONE besides himself in all this and had he considered the impact of testifying in court against her mother would have on her?

I was so upset that I cried for 2 hours. The thought of my baby girl sitting in the court room being witness to her Mom and Dad's divorce just devestated me. I saw firsthand the impact that ugly divorces can have on children. My son lived with a Mom and Dad who could not get along at all. He missed out on many precious years with his Dad because we were too self centered. I have grown a lot since then too and I will NOT put another child of mine through that. I would sooner terminate my parental rights before I put my daughter on the stand to testify during my divorce.

I can say that I am glad I have Christ working in me, through me and for me.

I have a peace about this whole situation.

The Lord is my light and salvation, who shall I fear? The Lord is my stronghold, of whom shall I be afraid?

I can not memorize scripture to save my life, but THAT scripture? I had memorized in under 30 minutes. Right now it is my life verse. I believe it is Psalms 27:1-2 if I am not mistaken.

So, as I said, I was enraged and very upset for several hours. Then suddenly I had this peace about the whole situation just wash over me. I was no longer mad or upset about it. I have no one to fear.

Most people in my shoes would be just itching for a battle royal, me? I am not.

As much as people may not understand, I LOVE D. Flaws, quirks and nastiness. I LOVE him. Perhaps I am being taught exactly how deep Christs love was for me through all of this. I have flaws, quirks and nastiness and He still loves me.

I found out today that D's ex wife died last night. She choked to death. From what I have been told, she was in a bad way when it came to the drugs. I am guessing that perhaps she passed out, vomitted and then choked to death on her vomit. Either that or she overdosed as throwing up and choking to death is generally the way one dies during and overdose. I read it on the interwebz when I was researching and quick and painless way to comitt suicide right before my stay at the mental hospital.

I was the one who called D. You could her the shock in his voice. I felt very badly for him. You know, no matter how ugly the marriage and divorce is between two people, you always carry a part of that person with you, LONG after the relationship ends. I still care for my ex, as in I don't wish him any harm and that I would be upset if I were to recieve a call that he had died. I offered D my support if he needed anyone to talk to and told him I was sorry, as I know that he had loved her at one time.

I caught some slack for that from a well meaning person. I should have been "cold" to him, not opened my heart up to be wounded again, told him to seek help elsewhere.

WHY?

How am I showing the love of Christ when I repay evil for evil? How do I show my husband that Christ IS working in me and that I AM changing? While I have my faults just like everyone else and that I will make mistakes, I will not intentionally set out to hurt someone.

My Bipolar does that enough for me.

Until next time,

Manic Mom

FYI

2009-11-09T12:38:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to let ya'll know that I appreciate your comments and I HAVE seen them. For some reason I can't respond to or post comments = ( Must be the I-phone!

LOVE ME....please just LOVE me!

2009-11-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

There is a scene in Bruce Almighty where Bruce tries to use his God given powers to will Grace to love him. He points his fingers at her and passionately says "LOVE ME". I can certainly relate to Bruce in this scene. Being the imperfect and fallable human beings we are, we often put "conditions" on our love for people. I believe we do this unconciously for the most part and then there are people who willfully do this. If our spouse does something to upset or make us mad, we may give them the cold shoulder, with hold sex or do something to hurt them in return.

I have had many of sleepless nights thinking about this. How many times couples enter into marriage with the preconcieved notion that their spouse is there to make them "happy". When in all reality we are setting ourselves up to end up in divorce court when we think this way. Because we are imperfect beings we WILL make mistakes and do things that will hurt and disappoint our spouses and they will do things to hurt and disappoint us. When that happens we are no longer "happy". We then begin to perhaps pressure that other person to change or conform to our ways in order to be "happy". Or we begin our search anew to find someone else who we THINK will make us happy.

I attended the "I Promise" marriage seminar with my soon to be ex in hopes of saving our marriage. One of the most important things I walked away with was that God designed marriage to make us more Christ like. Here are two radically different people in every way that come together and merge their lives into one. I had that lightbulb moment right then.

Marriage is not an institution made for my happiness. D was not created and given to me in order for me to be happy. And vice versa. Even a "good" marriage has trying and stressful times. I can kinda see how God made marriage as the ultimate way to make us more Christ like. Serving others was what Christ did, from the begining to the end. Marriage SHOULD BE about serving our spouse without the thought of what "we" can get from our selfless act. Ultimately, if we aserve our spouse they too will WANT to serve us.

I took D and his love for me for granted. I looked to him to make me happy and when he failed at doing this I made no attempt to hide my displeasure for him either. Sadly and yes annoyingly even, I learned this vaulable lesson too late. I allso believe D looked to me to provide his happiness and when I failed to measure up to his standard and belief of that, he "fell out of love" with me.

Here is my struggle. I do indeed love D still and I don't foresee that changing any time soon. I love him enough to let him go. D and I are currently fighting about our divorce. The papers he served me, left me with nothing but debt as he walks away with our daughter, the house, the savings, the stocks and his 401k. While he would not have obtained any of these things without my help and the "hurt, rejected and angry" part of me wants to get back at him for throwing me out like yesterdays trash, there is the other part of me that says to just let him have it all and not fight it out. Afterall, its material things that I will never take with me when I die. And what better way to show him that I DO love HIM more than any material possesion? A very good friend has said, "Divorce is about seeing how much one can hurt the other the most." I agree, and I see myself slipping into that fight. Has D hurt me? Immensely. Another good friend said to me, "so because D has hurt you, you have now made it your goal to hurt any man you come in contact with, even if he is a good man who doesn't deserve it, how does that make you any different than D?" I agree with her too.

While I am extremely pissed off at God right now, which is a normal feeling I am told, I DO want to draw closer to Him and I just don't see how that can happen while I am knocking heads with D. So, I am going to let him have it all. Oh, I will still be "smart" about it, as I definately do not believe I should be left with nothing but debt after 16 years of busting my butt. My ultimate goal is to show D, that I DO love him and that I love him enough to be the 'loser" in this fight. What better way to show my husband MY love as well as the love of Christ?

It's The OK Corral....

2009-11-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

Well well, lots of excitement and being productive for me today!

Where to start?

Well after lying in bed crying until 2am and feeling very dehumanized and devauled by D, I got up in the morning with a brand new purpose and perspective on the whole situation. I grabbed my copy of the divorce papers and went to work. Being that I went to college to be a paralegal I do have SOME knowledge of the law. Being oh so clever and bright I scanned the papers into Word and then went to town editing them. I put in there exactly what *I* wanted, printed them out and delivered them to D as a belated birthday gift. *insert evil laughter here*

I waited until 7pm and texted him to ask if he was going to sign them. He texted back "do you think I'm stupid?" To which, I promptly replied, "Well seeing how you are so damn set on this divorce and you have spent will spend more money on this divorce than our wedding, yes I think your stupid." Seeing how I just saved him 2k in the redrafting the I asked him what he disagreed with and get this.....he said, "Everything" I then said, "I guess it will be a contested divorce then have fun spending that 10k" he replied, "Money well spent" I then agreed and told him to run along and call mommy and daddy to borrow it. I then thanked him for the college education he helped to provide, winked and laughed!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That felt SO VERY GOOD AND LIBERATING! = ) THAT was the productive part of my day!

Now onto the exciting part!

I was chilling watching "Mr and Mrs. Smith" cuz it just seemed appropriate for me to watch considering. Then through the gun fire I hear faint screaming that seems to be coming from outside and my bionic ear went into action....yup that's screaming alright. My first though is "oh shit, my son is fighting" so I go outside to see what's going on. I see two people struggling in the parking lot I strain my eyes in the dark to make out the struggling duo...*whew* relief floods my heart as I confirm it is not my son.

Then I hear a baby crying.....oh HELL no!

I run back inside and grab my cell phone and dial 911 and head back outside to witness two people fighting over a TWO YEAR OLD baby! I am talking to the operator trying to give her the information she needs while my heart is struggling to break free of my chest as I hear this baby crying while two people fight. Yes, the MALE (men SUCK) is holding the baby while her mother is trying to get her back, the little girl looke like a rope in a tug-o-war. Finally the child is put down and another woman scoops her up and walks away heading back towards me, while the couple continues to exchange words and the MALE runs like the chicken shit ALL males are. Irony moment here. Go ahead I'll let you connect the dots....

TADA! Did you have a lightbulb moment and get the irony? Let me know if you did in the comments.

Anywho I invited the woman and her baby to my apartment just in case the pussy showed back up he wouldn't know where she was.

Apparently dumbass was intoxicated, came for the car (DUH) the couple got in an argument and the valiant knight decided to snatch the baby and use her as a weapon to hurt the mother. Apparently they are sperated, a la pig wanted to hurt Mom.

So, the popo showed up at my apartment took statements and are still sitting outside taking information. I just hope this woman is smart enough to put a warrant out for jerkoff's arrest and dumps his ass.

What the hell? Are there ANY REAL men out there?

I doubt it, cuz *I* have yet to meet one.

Until next time,

Manic Mom

It's 12am...

2009-11-05T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh the JOYS of being Bipolar! I am in a FULL blown mixed state episode. I can't decide whether I want to laugh or cry. I have done the dishes, vaccummed the apartment (its NOT my home or house and NEVER will be!) Including the walls. I am NO WHERE near being remotely tired. I have been extremely nasty and rude to my son, even telling him to leave when I heard him tell a friend he "couldn't wait to get out of this fucking house" he told them this on MY phone, while eating MY food and sitting in the apartment *I* pay for. See what I mean about being used?

Yeah.

Dan and I had it out via text message. He proceeded once again to blame ALL of our problems on ME! I wish I could important the conversation to this blog, but alas, I use an I-phone to blog with and I am limited on what I can do. He's has the NERVE to deny telling me he would use my hospital stay against me in court, that he was going to tell our daughtwr I was forcing him to sell the house, telling me I BETTER sign the divorce papers and threatening to shoot me from very far away when I jokingly told him I had his daughter and what ransom would he be willing to pay? I even added an LOL at the end of the text. He told me I make up some good stories.

It is at these times I question WHY I even love this man. He told me he feels beaten down by me and he is tired and done. I told him that I was pretty sure that "when I'm tired I will quit" was not in our vows and had I known his love was conditional that I would have said NO when he asked me to marry him. I told him he was going to spend thousands of dollars on a divorce only to discover he will STILL be miserable when all is said and done.

I really hate this shit......and I HATE that I was lied to and decieved and that I am being discarded like yesterday's trash because HE is tired of trying and working on our marriage. Part of me hopes he rots in hell!

The Dark Side of the Moon

2009-11-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

So I ended up texting D to wish him a happy birthday. I then texted my daughter to remind her that it was his birthday.

No answer.

Grrrrr.

This is not the first time she has completely ignored my texts or completely ignored me. Whenever she has come to stay with me its like pulling teeth to get her two say two words. I got very good at asking opened end questions to make her actually speak more than a yes or no answer. Friends told me, "its her age", "its the divorce" and so I kept putting it off to those things.

Tonight I snapped and finally asked her what her problem was. She said that I treat her like crap because I say "she can do better when she gets B's and C's" and "when did I plan on telling her about my trip to Florida". Well, first off, I WAS a bit alarmed when she brought home her mid term and it was loaded with F's because homework and classwork was not turned in, which resulted in some C's. I DID say that she could do better and perhaps if she laid off the texting and computer she would get her homework done. I never mentioned the trip to Florida because it was JUST A THOUGHT! And perhaps she should call and ask instead of assuming things. I mean really, do I or should I report EVERY FREAKING THOUGHT I have to my 15 year old daughter?

I then proceeded to text D and ask him what kind of shit he was pumping her full of about me, because she sounded JUST like him! Of course, he denied it. I asked him how I was suppose to believe him considering the fact he did say he was going to tell her that *I* was FORCING him to sell the house during the divorce. The fact that he has threatened to use my hospital stay against me in court or that he told a COMPLETE FUCKING "STRANGER" from MySpace about my hospital stay! HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO "TRUST" HIM NOT TO SHIT TALK ME TO OUR DAUGHTER?!!!

So NOW I have lost my daughter and you want me to "sing praises unto the Lord" or go to church to listen to His word and pursue Him? FUCK THAT! I HATE Him for taking every fucking thing that has mattered to me! I HATE Him for saddling me with a mental illness that reeks havoc in my life on a DAILY bases

Guess what? I HATE EVERYONE that has ever uttered that they "love" me. BULLSHIT! If you "love" someone aren't you suppose to ACT like it?

I feel like I lived my ENTIRE life trying to please others and for WHAT? I devoted SIXTEEN years to a man who now treats me like TRASH, who is working to turn my daughter against me and has walked away in MY darkest hour after *I* did nothing but GIVE and scarafice. I GAVE him a child when HE wanted one, I aborted another because HE didn't want another child. I worked two and three jobs at a time at various times in our relationship to provide for our family while HE did NOT. I am SO TIRED of giving and scaraficing MYSELF for WHAT? To get kicked in the fucking teeth time and time again! I am so SICK of being used! I am so SICK of being judged because I don't "measure up" to what OTHERS except me to be! I am SICK of being IGNORED and my feelings and thoughts sweeped aside because it doesn't fit what others "think" they should be. I am TIRED of working my ass of and for WHAT? WHAT?! Guess what?

FUCK YOU!

Manic Mom

I feel like Columbus....

2009-11-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

Learning about my Bipolar has been interesting, scarey and liberating. Mostly liberating though. Its nice to know that there was another force driving my God awful behavior and moods. I always thought I was just a plain mean old bitch with absoultly no morals what so ever. There are different characteristics of Bipolar. I have been able to identify some of mine.

Another day that I will never forget is September 14, 2009. That's the day I finally broke and ended up spending the next week in a mental hospital where they diagnosed me as Bipolar type 2. I do believe they may have gotten that diagnoses wrong, because I have more characteristics of Bipolar type 1. The difference between the two is that Bipolar 2 has less "cycling" and longer periods of stability, and the moods are less severe. I know I have rapid cycled (swinging from on end of the mood spectrum to the other several times a day, sometimes it has minute by minute) ATLEAST 10 times within a four day period.

Last night I went to play poker and rapid cycled 5 times within a 3 hour period. By the way, last night was double points for the tournement and I placed 5th! So as I was saying, there are certain "ticks" that one with bipolar has, and I have been able to identify a few of mine and they are as follows:

1) Bipolar lying- lying comes easy for the bipolar mind. We lie because we don't want to deal with the consequences. For example, I have no problems lying when it comes to our patients at work. My boss, while a wonderful and supportive man, often puts me in positions where I would much rather think of a lie to tell the patient, than simply speak the truth and have to listen to their complaints. His car broke down, his wife is sick, his children are sick, HE is sick, the labs are behind on repairs (when actually their hearing aids sat in one of our three offices for weeks because HE was being lazy. I just don't want to hear it and more than likely THEIR complaints trigger episodes for me.

2) Bipolar rage- my children were and are often on the receiving end of this, my son especially. It can be something like the dishes not being put away "right" (as in all my coffee cup handles face the same direction) and I will slam doors, cuss, and call names. This can last for minutes to days. My son has received beatings that no child deserves and often for the dumbest things. I remeber when he was younger (elementary school, like duh, WHY did we buy that for him at that age?) he lost a gold cross necklace and I was FURIOUS. We were driving back from school and apparently I was screaming so loud that as we passed by my parents place, my Dad could hear me. He was INSIDE the house, we were in the car, atleast 100 yards or better away. This was over a NECKLACE!

3) Bipolar excessive spending- HA! This has gotten me in A LOT of trouble. This little tick often kicks in when I am depressed. The momentary "fix" makes me feel good. I don't think about it, I just do. I am suffering the consequences of this right now. I went to put gas in my car and my card was declined. I had to borrow $20 from a friend so I could make it home last night from my poker tournament. Thank God she decided to stop by on her way home from work! I put $10 in my tank and have $10 to last me until next Friday! I'm gonna have to borrow money in order to survive, as I have already pawned all my jewelry and don't have a damn thing to show for the $100 I got for it. I can't even remember what I spent it on. I remeber D getting SO frustrated with me about my spending!

4) Bipolar hypersexuality- another LOVELY by product of being bipolar! I (along with my "partners") always thought I was a freak. Hell, my HUSBAND(S) told me I was a freak. Right before my seperation from D I must have been having mixed episodes. I set up an account on MySpace and I did nothing but blog about sex, hell I was so good at it that the writing group I had joined gave me an "award" for one of my stories. I then met a few men through my writings and we would "chat" if you know what I mean. I was viewing porn online and masturbating sometimes 2-3 times a day! AND I was hounding D for sex DAILY. Of course because he was no longer in love with me, he didn't want to touch me. I even went so far as to set up a meeting with two different men. I backed out of them last minute because I loved my husband and didn't want to lose him.....irony of ironies....I lost him anyways. While I was with D my hypersexuality outlet was chatrooms and fantasy's about other men. My most recent episode while seperated was with a man whom I met through a mutual friend. He was more than happy to oblige me when the hypersexuality kicked in. I simply told him what I wanted and he gave it to me. The morning after, I awoke bruised an sore from being handcuffed, choked and beaten by him. The scarey thing here is I ENJOYED it and want(ed) more. He now ignores me when I text or call him, after all who wants a women that gives herself so freely on the first date and on the second asks to be abused in such a way? I had NO thoughts of safe sex or that in God's eyes (as well as the law) I had just cheated on my husband because legally we aren't divorced yet. It mattered not to me in the moment, its like another person takes over completely.

These are my by products of bipolar that I have discovered to date. Its scarey to "fly on automatic" and then when the episode starts to lesson, look back and see the self destruction. But this is the goal of bipolar....to destroy its host.

Until next time,

Manic Mom

Dealing with "special" days

2009-11-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Nov. 5, D's birthday. There has only been one other special day that has come on gone without fan fare, that was our anniversary. That was a hard day for me, I cried most of the day and I believe that is what started me into the episode of depression/rapid cycling, which I am still struggling to come out of.

Do I acknowledge his birthday? Do I need to remind the kids its his birthday? Will anyone remember besides me? Oh, I WANT to call him and wish him a happy birthday, because I am still in love with him. On the other hand I wish to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. The question is, will he even BE hurt by my lack of acknowledgment? A huge part of me says, "no". After all, its not like he has even bothered to ask how I'm doing these past four months, not once has he asked, so why should I give HIM any acknowledgment?

I wonder how many months or years it will take me to wake up in the morning and my first thought NOT be about him? It hurts to love a person (other than your children) and know that they could give a rats ass about you. I often wonder has he met someone else? Has he SLEPT with someone else? Does he think about me, miss me and did he ever really love me at all? How do you shut off your feelings and love for someone? I don't get the coldness of men's hearts, I really don't.

Tomorrow will be a hard day. It will be hard for me to NOT call or text him to wish him a Happy Birthday. For a majority of our years together his parents never acknowledge his birthday and if they did they only sent a card and it was usually late. I know this hurt him, because he always said something.

I struggle with wanting to hurt him by ignoring him and loving him so much it would hurt ME to ignore him on his birthday.

I guess I will just deal with it tomorrow.

Until next time,

Manic Mom

HI

2009-11-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have thought and thought about what I wanted to do here in this "space". I orginally started this to blog on my new diagnosis of being Bipolar. Every time I started to write, nothing came out that I liked. While I will still discuss being Bipolar, I have decided to use this sight as an online diary of sorts.

My life has and is changing in dramatic ways in the past 4 months and I often feel like I am on a high speed rollor coaster with so many twists, turns and "upside down" loops that I often do not know which way is up any more.

It all started back on June 7, 2009, when my husband and I decide to seperate. I remember that day specifically even though I didn't move out until August 1, 2009. We were married for 16 years and I had a previous marriage that last 3 years.

I am 38, so if you do the math, that means I have been married since I was 19 years old. Needless to say, it has been quite the adjustment for me. Honestly, even though I know I made the choice to be married, I often times think I have been cheated out of my youth. At a time when I should have been "sowing" my oats, I was "sewing" buttons on shirts, changing dirty diapers, cooking meals, cleaning house, washing clothes and working to help support the family that chose to have. I scaraficed MANY things, including myself, to achieve that "fairy tale" love and home with my second husband. I believed with all my heart, soul and mind that we had actually achieved that and then my world came crashing down around me.

D and I had always had our fair share of "rough seas" whether they were created by nature, "God" or our own free will, but somehow we had always worked our way through it. I think what bothers me the most about our pending divorce is that I am not sure as to the why, how and when questions? How can he walk away so easily (it appears to be easy for him from my point of view). HOW does one "fall out of love" with a person they promised to love, honor and cherish til death do they part? WHEN exactly did he fall out of love with me? WHAT exactly did I do wrong? While I have honestly sat back and analized MY mistakes and failures, to "know" kinda what led us here, I can't get an exact answer from him. I get vauge answers with no specifics. Its hard to have closure on a relationship that way.

I was the one who initiated the seperation. I was TIRED of the snarky, mean, unloving bunch my entire family had become towards each other. Whenever anyone spoke to each other there was a venom to their voice or a shrug of the shoulder or an eye roll and worse...no answer at all. As a woman and born nurterer I desperately needed a deeper emotional connection with my husband and we had somehow lost that. The more I tried the more distant he became. The more distant he became the more angry and desperate I got. It was quite a viscious cycle, one we desperately tried to change but failed at every time. There were other factors too that I could not see until I removed myself from the situation. I, more times than not, chose my children over him. I thought I was being "noble" but found out that was not the case at all. That it should have been:

1) God
2) My husband
3) My children

Which leads to my anger at God for showing me so many things AFTER the fact. And WHY is God allowing this to happen? If He is all knowing, all seeing and all powerful, then WHY is He allowing my family to be torn to shreds. I know the "pat" Christian answers....He is not allowing this to happen, we have free will.....blah blah blah.....those answers only ADD to my anger and hurt....sorry but that is how I feel right now.

And so, this blog is my diary, one where I can write freely and openly about my struggle with this pending divorce, my struggle with being bipolar and just pour out my heart and not worry about who will see it. I will remain a picturless avatar and will only invite a select few of my friends that know me in real time to follow along this most difficult and heart wrenching journey with me.

Those of you who were invited by me, again, I remind you PLEASE do NOT use our real names when posting!
And that's it for now as my mind as scattered to yet another thought!

Until we meet again!

Manic Mom